Anika

My oldest daughter, Anika, hasn't spoken to me in over 8 years. I won't go into why, or even how much I miss her. I have dreams where she comes to me, always fighting it, but eventually ends up hugging me and loving me again. The dreams are so real, that when I wake up I have to think a minute and then go through the pain of losing her all over again. I had one of those dreams last night. I got to spend the whole night with her and her family, Chad, Ashton, Kenan, & Evie. It's so nice to be able to be with them, even if only in a dream. I always wake up thinking, "maybe someday".

Losing Anika has brought me closer to my younger daughter, Jenna. I cherish my relationship with her. She is the perfect daughter in every way for me. She listens and gives very wise advice, she brings my grandsons to see me, she just loves me. I have to believe that somewhere deep inside Anika still loves me. This is harder than having her die, because I can't let go of hope.

So life goes on. I have to shut down part of me because to continue to feel everything in this situation, would either kill me or make me go crazy. But when I have those dreams, that part of me wakes up again and lets me love her deeply as I always have.