Sleepless nights

I heard a song yesterday and one of the lines was that maybe all the sleepless nights were so that we could get closer to knowing who God is. I know that when I can't sleep, my thoughts usually end up drifting eventually to Him. Weather I'm praying, or just thinking about stuff in my life, I end up with Him.

There are people who say they don't believe, or they believe "in something", or they're just not sure. I think that much of the time intelligence gets in the way. After all, it takes the faith of an innocent child.

I went to bed tonight, thinking I would just drift off to sleep, I was so tired. But then I started praying. And that led to praying for my family. And that led to thinking about things that have happened and how much all of us are missing because we're not together. And now here I am, wide awake, typing instead of dreaming.

I cherish my sleepless nights. Because it ends up being intimacy with God. But right now I wish I was sleeping.

Anika

My oldest daughter, Anika, hasn't spoken to me in over 8 years. I won't go into why, or even how much I miss her. I have dreams where she comes to me, always fighting it, but eventually ends up hugging me and loving me again. The dreams are so real, that when I wake up I have to think a minute and then go through the pain of losing her all over again. I had one of those dreams last night. I got to spend the whole night with her and her family, Chad, Ashton, Kenan, & Evie. It's so nice to be able to be with them, even if only in a dream. I always wake up thinking, "maybe someday".

Losing Anika has brought me closer to my younger daughter, Jenna. I cherish my relationship with her. She is the perfect daughter in every way for me. She listens and gives very wise advice, she brings my grandsons to see me, she just loves me. I have to believe that somewhere deep inside Anika still loves me. This is harder than having her die, because I can't let go of hope.

So life goes on. I have to shut down part of me because to continue to feel everything in this situation, would either kill me or make me go crazy. But when I have those dreams, that part of me wakes up again and lets me love her deeply as I always have.

Bittersweet

Well, it finally happened. All these postings about my mother, she is finally where she has always wanted to be. Dancing with Jesus! It was strange, walking into the nursing home that morning. It was a gut feeling, I knew she was gone. No one had called, she had just died and they had just found her. I was supposed to be at work, but went there instead. What a connection we must have, that I knew she was going to die that day. I sat on the floor and held her hand, crying, telling her over and over how happy I was for her. She had a rough year. It's a good thing, really. Then why do I dream about her, why do I still reach for the phone to call her, why is there an empty place in my heart and life, and why am I crying now as I write this?

Motherhood is an anointed relationship from God. A glimpse of what His love is like. No matter what, she still loves you. For all eternity. Who is going to pray for me every single day like she did? Who is going to drive me crazy like she did? Such mixed up emotions - you can't wait to get away and then you call them with every little thing that's on your mind. Now I know that she's watching me from heaven. I danced in church with her the other day. It was pure, raw worship, knowing that she could see and was right there with me. I never felt so free in my whole life as I did worshiping God that day. It was thanksgiving for her life and her death. It was beautiful.

Water, water, everywhere

Well, if you've been watching the news you know that we are grateful we live on a hill. Middle TN is flooded beyond belief. What I want to know is, what part of STAY HOME do people not understand? The mayor of Nashville told people to stay out of Nashville today (Monday), but off they go to work. The train that I take can't run, because tracks were destroyed, so they are lining up Gray Line buses to take people to work.
Yesterday in the middle of all the rain, three young men embarked on an adventure of inner tubing. Only one came back. 150, yes I said 150 cars were stuck on I-24 with water to their roofs. The other side of the interstate didn't have water, so they got out of their cars and were walking all over the other side with cars speeding by. Then a portable building from a nearby school broke loose and came floating down, smashing into all the cars. There are some pretty unbelievable sights here. Most extreme flooding recorded in our history. Opryland hotel had to be evacuated to a high school, because all rooms in other hotels were booked. What a vacation remembrance those folks will have!
Since schools are closed, downtown Nashville is full of people with cameras watching the river rise. Again are they home?? NO!
We humans are a stubborn, arrogant bunch. Nevertheless, I hope everyone is OK.

The Twilight Zone

Well, I was just reading some past posts and yes, it's gingerale time again. Been home sick all week. This virus is kicking my butt. Started last Friday afternoon and today (Friday) I'm maybe getting over it. Been in the twilight zone most of the week. You know that place where you are when you're not quite in touch with reality? When you are sick and your body feels weird, am I the only one who experiences this? Anyway, I was trying to get to sleep the other night. After 3-5 hour naps every day this was harder than it sounds. All these thoughts were going through my head, thoughts about everyone and everything all at once. I was beginning to think my life was flashing before my eyes. It was very strange, made me remember things I hadn't thought of in years. Then I started thinking, what is the purpose of all these things? Are we really just a pawn in God's chess game? If he created us to be with him, then why do we have to go through the trials of life? I asked my husband about it the next day. He didn't agree with me, that we are pawns. I guess we aren't, I mean we do have free choice. But sometimes I think that God nudges us a little to see how we will react.

Most of the time I think that I react OK, but other times.... Lately there are things happening that are totally out of my control. Mom is in a nursing home which is not making me happy, but she can't be left alone. One of my daughters is out of my life, which includes her husband and 3 of my grandchildren. I miss them so much. The way the country is turning is frightening. Living week to week wondering what's around the corner. None of my grandchildren live near me, which I won't even get into. But I have this. A long time ago God gave me a vision. I was floating in a bubble over the earth. This wasn't a dream, I was wide awake. I saw complete devastation and destruction everywhere. But my family, all of them, were in that bubble with me. Everytime I get down, I remember that we are in a bubble and God is protecting us. No matter what is happening around us, we are safe. This give me peace beyond anything you could imagine.

So, I'll just hang out a while and see what happens. Whether in reality or in the twilight zone, He's got us covered.

55 Hmmmm...

OK, so I'm getting old. It has never bothered me, but something about 55 - I'm now eligible for Sr citizen's discounts. I think I've crossed a line into elderly. You know, I don't really mind the thought of death. In fact, after dealing with Grandma, the thought of just checking out is OK. I don't want to live into old age.
So I'll accept the cake and wonderful dinner he (my other half) made me. I'll accept the nice day he gave me, a hot oil massage and other unmentionables. I'll just go on with the nice life I have. A job I love and week-ends I look forward to. I've accepted the fact that nothing will change until my mother is gone. Right now, she is my purpose in life.

I've thought a lot about when she is gone. I know that I have to have another purpose. I'm always thinking about orphans and foster kids, but don't think I have the stamina to take one on. I'll have to see when that phase of my life comes about.
Grandma is always telling me what to do when she dies. "Get this and that" before you call anyone. I told her that what I would do is sit down on the floor by her bed and cry. She asked why and I said " Well aren't you supposed to cry when when your mother dies?" She just laughed and laughed. Like it's so funny that I would grieve when she dies. But I will. So many mixed emotions.

So I go on. No one is promised tomorrow. Maybe I will go before her, but I don't think so.

I love my God, my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my mother, my sister and brother in that order. I can't see anything changing that. We are what we are. I have a blessed life. I hope that all those I love have the same.

Happy Birthday to me. My life on this earth is not an accident.

I am numb

My mind is blank, just going thru the motions. I know my mother is dying, very slowly, but it makes me so sad. Why does she have to suffer? Why not just go from really living life, then on to the next world? She fell in the middle of the night. Hit her head on the dresser, cut her hand. I heard it, got up, dreading what I would find. She wouldn't let me help her up, but kept yelling, "I have to get up, I have to get up." She rolled over, crawled on her knees to the bed, then said, "OK, now pick me up." I can't figure it out, what she wants. I don't think she knows either.

Every morning I fix her food. I no longer trust her to get to the kitchen. She tells me she will, but then when I ask her what she ate, its "cheesy peanut butter crackers" or "snacks". All the stuff she keeps in her room. She has a bedside commode that I have the pleasure of emptying. When my mother-in-law had me doing all this stuff, I fought it, telling her she needed to keep moving. With my mother I am more compassionate and that makes me sad, too. That I didn't make Jean's last days more comfortable.

Growing old is not for sissies they say. "They" are proven right. Mom looks at me and cries, she just wants it over. I wish I could help her along, but even in this there is a purpose. So we wait, never knowing what day it will be, but knowing it is inevitable. One day last week she thought she was dying. She was at my sister's house. When Debbie wanted to take her to the hospital, she said, "Don't you dare."

I refuse to go this way. I will continue to do everything that is wrong for a healthy body to assure my demise at an early age. Our modern medicine keeps people alive way past their time. Oh well, if we get nationalized medicine, I won't have to worry. I'll still be waiting on line to see a doctor when I go.