Bittersweet

Well, it finally happened. All these postings about my mother, she is finally where she has always wanted to be. Dancing with Jesus! It was strange, walking into the nursing home that morning. It was a gut feeling, I knew she was gone. No one had called, she had just died and they had just found her. I was supposed to be at work, but went there instead. What a connection we must have, that I knew she was going to die that day. I sat on the floor and held her hand, crying, telling her over and over how happy I was for her. She had a rough year. It's a good thing, really. Then why do I dream about her, why do I still reach for the phone to call her, why is there an empty place in my heart and life, and why am I crying now as I write this?

Motherhood is an anointed relationship from God. A glimpse of what His love is like. No matter what, she still loves you. For all eternity. Who is going to pray for me every single day like she did? Who is going to drive me crazy like she did? Such mixed up emotions - you can't wait to get away and then you call them with every little thing that's on your mind. Now I know that she's watching me from heaven. I danced in church with her the other day. It was pure, raw worship, knowing that she could see and was right there with me. I never felt so free in my whole life as I did worshiping God that day. It was thanksgiving for her life and her death. It was beautiful.